Fate Fail
by Cyricist001
Summary: Servant meets optimized wizard.


Fate Fail

I own nothing

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><p>Victor van Dahl yawned as he watched the image in his magic mirror. Instead of his reflection it showed three teens running away from the Einzbern Castle after a somewhat successful rescue...even if the whole thing was so amateurish he could only compare it to books where things happen simply because the plot demands it. It also didn't help that the Emya kid was a bit of an idiot who not only failed to see that Saber wasn't a helpless girl, but who had to be reminded that a mortal human like himself cant fight a heroic spirit with a stick.<p>

Though to be honest the Fifth Grail Tournament...errr War was proving to be a disappointment, at least when one compares it to the one before. Now that was entertainment!

"Ahhh Arturia, you really love to get yourself into trouble" said the clearly amused person siting beside him.

"I fail too see why you even bother with her" responded Victor "her personality is bland, her mindset is boring and her power is lackluster. And that is even when servants like Assassin and Caster get nerfed so much they become mooks" in reality the Lancer should have won every single time against the Saber class...

Merlin smiled mischievously "Its because of her rigidity that its so easy to get under her skin...I still remember how amusing it was when she woke up as a man one morning...I think people heard her scream even across the Channel."

"She could have used that opportunity to make herself a heir to the throne" was the other wizards bored reply. Perhaps he was a bit to harsh on the legendary 'King of Knights' but then again who cares "Perhaps I should send One of Many to fight them, would be more entertaining."

Merlin sighed „Honestly...ever since you consumed Amaterasu you have been in a rather bad mood."

"What can I say, gods bring out the worst in me. And to think I spared her life when I killed the rest of them...what a mistake that was."

"Perhaps the Holy Gra-"

"Oh, please. That decrepit trinket? I made Wish granting artifacts for millennia now, that possessed container can only serve me as dinner."

Merlin rolled his eyes "No wonder people call you Spirit Eater, every other sentence its eating this or that spirit."

"Spirit Eater...first I was the Nameless One and now this..." said the man with amusement for the first time this evening "I truly like to get myself into these situations" not that he was complaining, in the end he did get the power to eclipse even the gods themselves.

Truth be told after he merged with he Transcended One in the Fortress of Regret and joined the Blood War he though that fighting in the Lower planes was his destiny for all eternity...until he got bored.

Thankfully Ammon Jerro allowed him to trick the system...again, when he started to summon devils and demons to help him fight the King of Shadows...Victor included.

It was a simple thing to reincarnate himself as a child from some West Harbor woman. Naturally there was no rest for the wicked and he again was forced to fight all across Toril until the Wall of the Faithless...there he said enough is enough and became the Spirit Eater.

Sure the gods were pissed but he was above any single god now, they were nothing but food as far as he was concerned...as he demonstrated when he finally arrived on this world...even Akasha could only only watch impotently as he devoured all who opposed him.

"So about Arturia..."

Victor shrugged "Very well, one prank cant hurt."

"YES!"

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><p>Shiro Emya tried to run through the door but was pulled back into the old decrepit house by Tohsaka Rin.<p>

"NO! I DON'T WANT TOOOOO!" Shiro cried and whimpered as he was pushed on a old, dusty bed.

"Stop your whining Emya! We have to do this ritual to replenish Sabers prana!" growled Rin.

Normally Shiro wouldn't have any complaints about having a threesome with Rin and Saber...but after a strange light blinded them ten minutes ago things changed.

And when he said changed, he meant in changed genders.

For some reason he was now a she and Saber and Rin were male, so naturally the idea of replenishing Sabers prana with intercourse became something of a situation he wanted no part off...it was obvious what his general purpose would be in this ritual.

"Saber..."

"I'm sorry Shiro" said the embarrassed Arturia "its the only way we can survive a fight with Berserker at the moment" she then turned to the other gir-boy "Tohsaka just j-j-jam it in!"

Shiro didn't get to reply as he ended bent-over, Rin standing behind him "Stop your sobbing and take it like a man."

"Men don't ta-" was all the red haired boy turned girl could say.

With a quick trust of Rin's hips Shiro responded with a stream of tears, he could hardly imagine a worst first time.

"T-Tohsaka...that's the wrong hole" sobbed the red haired teen.

"Oops."

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><p>Back in his demiplane both Victor and Merlin watched the bizarre occurrence. Having seen enough, Victor turned to the equally surprised mage.<p>

"What did you say ten minutes ago? I think it was something like 'what can possible go wrong'."

The prankster only shrugged "Who could have seen this coming? But look from the bright side, his courage is admirable."

"That is certainly one way of seeing things."

"Oh cheer up Victor, one day Shiro Emya will remember this day and laugh about it...well at least I will."

"I know that you will, what is uncertain is that Berserker wont butcher them. Also I wonder if it is to late to help Kotomine Kirei with his schemes, so far he is the only one that is entertaining in this fiasco. Or perhaps I should kill them all myself and eat the servants and the Grail."

Merlin's face lost his smile almost instantly, he than placed his hand on Victors shoulder "That would be bad, people die if they are killed."

Victor blinked once before he managed to come up with a decent reply to that.

"Reallyyy? Who would have thought..." said the immortal sarcastically as he lazily flexed his finger and cast two spells.

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><p>Another flash of light was all the warning the trio had before Merlin's spell was negated by the Spirit Eaters Dispell.<p>

"Huh? We are back to normal" said the surprised Tohsaka.

"Indeed" was Sabers reply, though this wasn't her first time having her gender switched...well at least she had prana thanks to the ritual...and speaking about the ritual...she felt really bad for Shiro who was now sobbing in the corner, mumbling something she could not hear well.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She glanced behind her and paled at the sight...then she looked down on the ground before turning to Shiro and Tohsaka who tried to stop his antics.

"Goddamn it Japan..." cry Saber as Evards Black Tentacles grabbed the trio of teens.

END

A/N: Fate Zero was good, Fate Kitchen...was horrible.


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